I just couldn’t break the cycle
In the beginning, things were good. I had lots of money, lots of drugs, and, of course, lots of women. My work took me to places most people never dreamed of. To stand on The Polar Ice Cap or next to the Crucifix in Rio were magnificent adventures to me. These experiences were never ending in my life. So was the cocaine.
I went to work in Mexico when I was twenty-five years old. I was so glad to get away from drugs and the rut I was in. I married a woman there who had a three year old son, who I adopted and raised. We set up house in the city Tampico, Tamps., Mexico and later she gave me a beautiful baby girl. I was so happy; I thought my using days were behind me. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come.
The company I worked for sold their share in the joint venture and, in order to continue working for them, I began to work at other locations, worldwide. These trips kept me away from home for months at a time. My feelings of loneliness increased, as did my drug use.
This went on for ten years. My pain grew and grew until one day, I became acquainted with crack cocaine. I knew this was what I wanted the first time I used it. For the next twenty years, I would not be able to leave it alone. Now, I’m a full blown drug addict. I’ve lost everything and everyone in my life and still, I didn’t get it. There were times that I sought help, but it was only because I thought that I could manage my addiction after some period of abstinence.
This continued for over twenty years. I would use, feel guilty for it, then use more to cover up those feelings. I just couldn’t break the cycle. All I could do was to run from the feelings. I would go days without eating and spent two years sleeping under bridges. Finally, when I couldn’t stand it anymore, there was the inevitable suicide attempt and I was committed to the psych ward of a local hospital in New Orleans. Now, being unable to use or obtain drugs, I was able to begin to see things a little more clearly. So, I asked to be placed in Bridge House, where I remain at this writing.
For the first time in my life, I was able to sit down and take a good look at myself. The staff here had many helpful insights and the information in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has, at last, been revealed to me. Upon reading one of the personal stories in the back of the book, I had what can only be described as a lightning bolt experience. I never was a dancer, but I wanted to dance that day. This passage had the effect of freeing me from me. I am no longer a slave.
Thanks to Bridge House, the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous ,The Big Book, and last but certainly not least, a loving God. I now count myself as one of His children and am preparing myself for the mission He has given me; saving other lives as He saved mine.